insight.

So… a little insight into my life…

I’m 23 years old and live on my own by my choice. i struggle like hell to pay bills but overall love my life. I complain a lot about it though. I hate my job but I’m thankful I have one. I wish I had more money but somehow I get by. I struggle with lots of things because I like to be a perfectionist and I’m very OCD. When the chaos of my life gets in the way, it drives me crazy. This tends to happen a lot but I’m hoping this year changes that. Last year I worked two jobs and went to school and barely had time for anything so this year is MY year. I quit my second job and although it sucks being broke I’m happy to have some free time. I’m happy to be able to just sit here and type this blog out. I never would’ve had time for this last year. My goals for this year are to: find my passion for life again, learn to say the word no, and stop being a doormat. So far, I think I’m off to a good start. I’m learning to open my eyes again to the everyday beauty of life. Just driving down the road I’m appreciative of this wonderful, small town. It’s gonna take some time because I’ve been through some hell the past two years but now I’m taking my life back. This is my life and I’m gonna life it my way whether that’s all planned out or balls to the wall excitement, it’s my choice. I may be broke as hell but I’ve got family and friends to keep my hopes up that it won’t matter. I’ve always been extra responsible and dependable and honestly I’m ready to live a little. I’m only 23 and there’s no need to be living like im 80 yet. I love life and need to show it. I guess you could say this is my year of discovery. I was inspired by readying Eat Pray Love. Elizabeth Gilbert is the reason for all of this. That book made me realize so many things about myself. Minus the divorce I was Elizabeth Gilbert. I would cry myself to sleep because things weren’t how I wanted or the man I was with was pulling away. I was turning into someone I didn’t know or recognize. Thank God and life for both slapping me in the face. Boy would my grandmother have fussed at me for being in the shape I was in. I miss my grandmother so very much. I know I live in her house now and talk to her often but I do miss her. I miss her telling me its ok to be a horrible emotional wreck. I miss her telling me it’s ok to fail at something. However, I was headed back in the dumps and that’s where I refuse to go again. So, to hell with lying, cheating men and to hell with helping everyone that doesn’t want to help themselves. This is gonna be a year for me. If I wanna go out at 2 AM when I have to be someone at 7 so be it. I’m doing what I want and living this year up. Now, don’t get me wrong there’s a  lot of crap going on right now and it’s not freaking peachy but I’ll make it. I will, you’ll see.

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